The BiPolar Express

Updates from My Little Acre in the Sun

matildebonaparte — Mon, 02 May 2011 21:06:17 +0000

Well, I’m trying to manage two blogs and I’m not really sure which one to keep. I like this one because my friends and family are aware of it. I like the other one because no one is aware of it and, in many ways, it’s more honest because of that. I try to be open and honest but there are just some things that I don’t want my parents to know until I’m dead and gone.

Things are going okay at the moment. I’m still unemployed. I’m still living a quiet little life in the country with my youngest son and my two dogs. Two of the grandchildren still visit every two weeks and the other two I almost never get to see even though they live just right down the road.

Dad seems to be making progress, which is excellent. I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes, which is not excellent but I’m managing. I need to work harder at exercising and losing weight so that maybe I can not have to take medication for the rest of my life. I’m still on the waiting list for the Rappahannock Community Services Board (RACSB) for treatment of my bipolar disorder. Too many sick, unemployed people and not enough funding to care for them all.

I leave you with a photo of a japanese maple tree I planted in my backyard last week. I planted it with own two hands, including digging the damn hole. Do you have any idea how hard it is to dig a hole? With a shovel? By yourself? Yeah, I didn’t either. But I do now, damnit!

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matildebonaparte — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 23:17:39 +0000

Okay..so what’s going on around here? Let’s see…

1. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of Joshua’s death. Wednesday night was horrendous. Yesterday morning was tough. Things got some better yesterday afternoon when I hung out with my Dad while Othermother and son went to pick up an antique trestle table for the dining room. Today is better.

2. Dad is home from the hospital, again. He’s actually been home since Dec 31st but we all know how bad I’ve gotten about posting. He seems to be doing okay this time. The main issue seems to remain his blood pressure. They just cannot get it completely stablized.

3. Still no job, but working on it. I’ve decided that I need to get my resume scanned so that I can just send it as a .pdf instead of as an .odt because people don’t seem to know what to do with it when I send it that way. I realize that OpenOffice claims that their documents can be opened by word but I’m afraid my resumes aren’t opening and therefore no one is contacting me for interviews. Or it could just be that no one wants me. I’m going with “can’t open the resumes” for the time being.

I think that’s about it on this front. Dogs are doing well, although Benny is looking a bit shaggy and is in desperate need of a haircut. Maybe next week.

And maybe I’ll post again next week, too. No promises, though.

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It Has To Get Better From Here

matildebonaparte — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 03:11:47 +0000

Three day until Christmas. I’m incredibly sad and ready for the holiday to be over. There doesn’t seem to be much to celebrate this year. My dad is still in the hospital after having been home for only 2 days. Money is tight and I’m still unemployed after 8 months. Peter is working but is unhappy with his life in general and doesn’t see a way out. It’s hard to watch him work so hard and yet remain so entrenched in pain and dissatisfaction. It hurts to not know how to help him or how to make it better. I’ve never been very good at making things better.

You would think that by this point in my life I’d be used to pain and disappointment. You’d think I’d be immune to hurt by people who don’t know and don’t seem to care that they hurt others. You’d think that I’d be immune to hurt in general.

I know that all things will work out for the best. I know that at the end of the day Christmas will be good, it always is. I’m just sad and worried and overwhelmed. Tomorrow will be better. I’m going to see Dad.

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Hello Hello Again

matildebonaparte — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 00:13:26 +0000

I was really surprised when I pulled this blog up to see that I hadn’t written since July. I would have sworn that it had been longer. Even now I’m a little unsure what to write about. I’ve never wanted this blog to be a boring list of my day-to-day activities. I do want to begin writing again, though.

Perhaps for tonight this is enough. A start. A resumption.

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When Life Hands You Lemons Order Orange Juice

matildebonaparte — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 05:27:29 +0000

Okay, I admit it. I’m one of THOSE people. The ones that are never satisfied. The ones who are still tweaking the peaks on the icing as someone on the other side of the table is starting to slice the cake. Yep, that’s me. I admit it. I own it. I carry it. Hell, I’m almost proud of it.

I try hard to not let it show. Part of that I get from Grandma, bless her heart. The ultimate “no use crying over spilt milk” grannie. I miss her terribly. I learned early that people don’t appreciate rude little children who say, “Wow, love the gift, but it would be so much cooler if….” No, no they don’t.

Plus I figure my disappointment is my issue, not anyone else’s. I’m willing to lose my own karmic points for my own silliness.

So, now that I’ve said all of that, let me say this. I’m not materialistic. My dissatisfaction has nothing to do with what I own or don’t own. Yes, there are things that I don’t own that I’d like to own. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I have as much need to collect stuff as the next person. My dissatisfaction, though, is with me. I’m the peaks being tweeked forever and always.

So, what do I want? Well, I want more education. I want to be smarter, kinder, funnier, prettier, skinnier. I want to read everything ever printed before I die. I want to be loved completely without the need for commitment (mental or otherwise). I want to skip rope. I want to ride an elephant. I want to find my place in the world.

Best compliments ever? The ones that for a little while made me not want to tweek things? (1) “I have never, ever, thought of you as crazy.” (2) “You have the heart of a poet, the vocabulary of an english professor and the ability to unselfconsciously talk like a whore.” (3) “Nice ink.” (4) “You’re much smarter than Dad’s new girlfriend.” (5) “Wow, you don’t have a degree? Really? Because I thought you had a bachelor’s.”

Sometimes it’s not about making lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes it’s about saying “fuck the lemons…I don’t like lemonade. I do like orange juice, though, so lets go find some of that instead.”

And yeah, I’m crazy…but it’s really nice that he doesn’t think so.

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Still Frowning

matildebonaparte — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 19:50:31 +0000

Well, it’s been 5 days now since I dropped off the laptop at Best Buy. I called yesterday to check the status and it had been received at the service center but nothing had been done. They told me to call back in a week so I guess I’ll call tomorrow or Thursday. I’m not anxious or anything, though.

The funny thing is that I never realize how attached to my laptop I am until I don’t have it. It’s not like I go through with withdrawal or anything. But I do miss it. For example, while watching Rachel Maddow last night she mentioned something I wanted more information on. I started to grab the laptop to google it, but, alas, no laptop. Now I can’t even remember what it is was that I was so interested in.

On the upside, though, it’s harder for me to spend money without it. I can’t just cruise ebay looking for something cool to buy. And I hate actual stores, so I don’t spend much money in those, which is a good thing.

Oh well, life will go on and eventually I’ll have my laptop back, for better or for worse.

Oh jeez, I just realized I’m MARRIED to my laptop!

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I’m Wearing a Big ‘Ole Frowny Face

matildebonaparte — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:21:28 +0000

Well, I think that the laptop is going to be down for a few weeks again. The spacebar fell off last night, one of the mouse-button thingies is stuck and sometimes I have to hit the on-off button several times before it stays on. I talked to them at Best Buy black tie service last night and I think they’re going to try to junk it and just give me a new one since they’ve already spent 10x the purchase price fixing it (2 new motherboards).

Anyway, Peter says he’ll share his desktop with me until I either get this one back, fixed again, or a new one.

Peace out, all…I’ll try to keep up even without my own computer.

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Love and Family

matildebonaparte — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 00:15:47 +0000

Last night I fell asleep thinking about love. Like most women I’ve been in love several times. The first time was when I was about 8 or 9. His name was Doug and we lived in the same apartment complex in Blacksburg, VA. He held hands and whispered and when I learned I’d be moving to Okinawa we sat near a little stream where all us kids liked to search for tadpoles and frogs and had a very serious talk about waiting for each other and getting married. Yes, at 8. Then, after I got to Okinawa and Doug was but a distant memory I started going to dances on-base every Saturday night. Of course, they were heavily chaperoned, but young love will out, I fell in love with a young man named Timmy. He was even brave enough to call my house sometimes. I loved those dances where we could pretend to be grown up, dancing the cool disco dances and swaying under the disco ball to the slow dances. I loved them until he broke up with me at one. I never went to another one. Then on Midway I fell in love with someone completely inappropriate for the first time. I say the first time because it seemed to become a habit after that. I like to think that this person loved me, too, but if he did he never said so in words. Of course, I didn’t either. And it may have been a one-sided love. I’ll never know. But it’s nice to reflect on and remember. After we left Midway we moved to Port Hueneme (sp?) and I fell in love with an undocumented alien named Jaime. (How inappropriate is THAT??) My mother and stepfather were, of course, thrilled. Then we moved to San Diego I managed to not fall in love with anyone, but I did, as a high school freshman, manage to date a college sophomore. And then I we moved to Mississippi and I met the man that I would marry. I know that there are people out there who don’t believe I ever loved him. That is their right. I know, however, that I loved him with all my heart. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didn’t. At the very least he believed he loved me. We had three beautiful children together before divorcing after 17 years. Is that a failed marriage? I don’t know. I remember that when the actress who played Cagney on “Cagney & Lacey” (I can’t remember her name right now) divorced her husband of 20-some years she said she refused to define her marriage as a failure just because they were getting divorced. I kind of feel that same way. I actually believe that my divorce was a bigger failure because it got so nasty. I don’t know whether I’ll ever fall in love again. I hope so. I like being in love. I like taking care of someone I care for and who cares back. I like making supper and doing laundry and whatnot for someone I love. I don’t like doing it when I live alone, but who does? Love really does make the world go ’round, I think. Think how much better a place the world would be if we could all manage to love each other. Ahhhhh, nirvanna. I have the most perfect example of love in my life, my Grandma and Grandpa North. They were married for what seemed like forever (of course, for me it was forever since they were obviously married when I was born!) and even as he got sicker and she got weaker they lived together, alone in their home, taking care of each other. And then to continue the love, my Uncle Dale moved in with them to help my grandma take care of my grandpa when she couldn’t do it alone anymore. And then, after my grandpa passed away my othermother put in her retirement papers because she and my dad thought that they should take care of Grandma and let Uncle Dale go home. My precious grandmother died just about a month after my grandpa. They loved each other so much that they just couldn’t stand being apart. And my Dad and my Uncle and my Othermother and my Auntie Ruth loved them and each other so much that they helped to care for them at the end so that the Gs could stay in their own home with each other. I’ve always considered myself very lucky in the family department. I’m thankful for each and every one of my relatives, near and far. I want to thank you all for loving me and for helping become the person I am today. I promise that I love you enough that I’ll keep right on trying to be a better person.

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Another Update That Was Too Long for Facebook

matildebonaparte — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 19:28:39 +0000

I’m just about sick of the healthcare debate. Seriously. People do realize that we’re already being “forced” to buy government healthcare when they look at their paystubs, right? We finance medicaid and medicare through payroll taxes. Should we repeal those services? And how about when all of you reach retirement age? I’m assuming you won’t be applying for your social security benefits or medicare, right? Because you would NEVER accept something that government FORCED you to buy into, right?

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Fantasies

matildebonaparte — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 23:38:46 +0000

Fantasies. We all have them, right? I wonder if I have more than other people. I’ve written before about what has often been described by teachers and parents as my “over-active” imagination. I admit that I do have a lot of fantasies, but I think that the only difference between me and everyone else is that I’m willing to talk about mine. I want my prince charming to come along and marry me and take me on european vacations and tell me that I can spend as much money as I want to at the grocery store. I want to buy a retirement cottage in Llandudno, Wales and spend half of my year there every year. I want to buy a farm and have all the standard farm animals…horses, sheep, goats, chickens. No pigs, though. Rabbits. I did promise the granchildren rabbits if I ever lived anywhere that we could have them. I want to be independently wealthy. I want to not have bipolar disorder. I want my daughter to be normal and well. I want Joshua to come back to me. I want to figure his life out and start moving forward with it. I want to spend more time with my grandchildren, all of them. I want to feel closer to my siblings and their children. I want to talk to my mom again. I want to fall in love. I want to have sex every single day for the rest of my life. I want to live somewhere where I can take in abused animals of all kinds and give them lots of love and a decent life. I want to be able to pay my monthly bills without depending on my parents. I was to get my docterate in elizabethian history. I want to live for a while as a voluntary slave just so I can see if I can do it. I want to go to China, Prague, Russia, Ireland, Scotland. I want to go back to Okinawa and Midway Island. I want to live to be 100. I want to lose 100 pounds. I want arms like Michelle Obama’s. I want the republicans to leave the newly signed healthcare reform plan alone. I want americans to wake up and realize the dangerous path we’re on. I want people to realize that social reform programs are not as big or scary as they think they are. I want to spend the summer cooking on my grill and eating on my picnic table and reading a book in a lounge chair on the back deck. I want to have a best friend. I want to be able to eat breakfast out every Sunday morning with my parents and I pay for it. I want my parents to live forever. I want to go to every single birthday party, anniversary party, any kind of party to celebrate anything and everything with my family and friends. I want to read every book every published. I want to learn a new word every day. I want to write a great novel and win the Nobel for it. I want to be published in every language around the world. I want to find a way to bring peace to the entire world. I want to buy two love birds and name them Ricky and Lucy. I want a house that cleans itself. I want a personal chef and a personal trainer who live with me and make me behave. I want someone, anyone, to make me behave. I want to roll over at night and cuddle up to someone other than one of my dogs (not that I don’t love them dearly). I want my dogs to live forever, or at least longer than I do. I want to go to the homeplace in West Virginia again and pretend that I’m 12 again and there with my grandparents. I want to buy real furniture of my very own. I want three more bookcases so that I can display all of my books. I want to plant some shrubs this spring. If I ever get married again I want to carry yellow roses and lilacs. I want to have another baby. I want a puppy. I know that there is so much more I want but I can’t think of anything else. Fantasies are fun, though, and I haven’t even started on the sexual ones! Maybe I’ll write about those another day. Right now what I want is some cake batter ice cream and that is a fantasy that I can actually make happen tonight. Thank god for Food Lion!

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