The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

Updates from My Little Acre in the Sun May 2, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 9:06 pm

Well, I’m trying to manage two blogs and I’m not really sure which one to keep. I like this one because my friends and family are aware of it. I like the other one because no one is aware of it and, in many ways, it’s more honest because of that. I try to be open and honest but there are just some things that I don’t want my parents to know until I’m dead and gone.

Things are going okay at the moment. I’m still unemployed. I’m still living a quiet little life in the country with my youngest son and my two dogs. Two of the grandchildren still visit every two weeks and the other two I almost never get to see even though they live just right down the road.

Dad seems to be making progress, which is excellent. I’ve been diagnosed with diabetes, which is not excellent but I’m managing. I need to work harder at exercising and losing weight so that maybe I can not have to take medication for the rest of my life. I’m still on the waiting list for the Rappahannock Community Services Board (RACSB) for treatment of my bipolar disorder. Too many sick, unemployed people and not enough funding to care for them all.

I leave you with a photo of a japanese maple tree I planted in my backyard last week. I planted it with own two hands, including digging the damn hole. Do you have any idea how hard it is to dig a hole? With a shovel? By yourself? Yeah, I didn’t either. But I do now, damnit!


January 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 11:17 pm what’s going on around here?  Let’s see…

1.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of Joshua’s death. Wednesday night was horrendous. Yesterday morning was tough. Things got some better yesterday afternoon when I hung out with my Dad while Othermother and son went to pick up an antique trestle table for the dining room.  Today is better.

2.  Dad is home from the hospital, again.  He’s actually been home since Dec 31st but we all know how bad I’ve gotten about posting. He seems to be doing okay this time. The main issue seems to remain his blood pressure. They just cannot get it completely stablized.

3.  Still no job, but working on it. I’ve decided that I need to get my resume scanned so that I can just send it as a .pdf instead of as an .odt because people don’t seem to know what to do with it when I send it that way. I realize that OpenOffice claims that their documents can be opened by word but I’m afraid my resumes aren’t opening and therefore no one is contacting me for interviews. Or it could just be that no one wants me.  I’m going with “can’t open the resumes” for the time being.

I think that’s about it on this front. Dogs are doing well, although Benny is looking a bit shaggy and is in desperate need of a haircut.  Maybe next week.

And maybe I’ll post again next week, too. No promises, though.  🙂


It Has To Get Better From Here December 23, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 3:11 am

Three day until Christmas. I’m incredibly sad and ready for the holiday to be over. There doesn’t seem to be much to celebrate this year. My dad is still in the hospital after having been home for only 2 days. Money is tight and I’m still unemployed after 8 months. Peter is working but is unhappy with his life in general and doesn’t see a way out. It’s hard to watch him work so hard and yet remain so entrenched in pain and dissatisfaction. It hurts to not know how to help him or how to make it better. I’ve never been very good at making things better.

You would think that by this point in my life I’d be used to pain and disappointment. You’d think I’d be immune to hurt by people who don’t know and don’t seem to care that they hurt others. You’d think that I’d be immune to hurt in general.

I know that all things will work out for the best. I know that at the end of the day Christmas will be good, it always is. I’m just sad and worried and overwhelmed. Tomorrow will be better. I’m going to see Dad.


Hello Hello Again December 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 12:13 am

I was really surprised when I pulled this blog up to see that I hadn’t written since July. I would have sworn that it had been longer. Even now I’m a little unsure what to write about. I’ve never wanted this blog to be a boring list of my day-to-day activities. I do want to begin writing again, though.

Perhaps for tonight this is enough. A start. A resumption.


When Life Hands You Lemons Order Orange Juice July 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 5:27 am

Okay, I admit it.  I’m one of THOSE people. The ones that are never satisfied.   The ones who are still tweaking the peaks on the icing as someone on the other side of the table is starting to slice the cake. Yep, that’s me.  I admit it.  I own it.  I carry it. Hell, I’m almost proud of it.

I try hard to not let it show.  Part of that I get from Grandma, bless her heart.  The ultimate “no use crying over spilt milk” grannie. I miss her terribly.   I learned early that people don’t appreciate rude little children who say, “Wow, love the gift, but it would be so much cooler if….”  No, no they don’t.

Plus I figure my disappointment is my issue, not anyone else’s.  I’m willing to lose my own karmic points for my own silliness. 

So, now that I’ve said all of that, let me say this.  I’m not materialistic. My dissatisfaction has nothing to do with what I own or don’t own. Yes, there are things that I don’t own that I’d like to own. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I have as much need to collect stuff as the next person.  My dissatisfaction, though, is with me.  I’m the peaks being tweeked forever and always.

So, what do I want?  Well, I want more education.  I want to be smarter, kinder, funnier, prettier, skinnier.  I want to read everything ever printed before I die.  I want to be loved completely without the need for commitment (mental or otherwise).  I want to skip rope. I want to ride an elephant.  I want to find my place in the world.

Best compliments ever?  The ones that for a little while made me not want to tweek things? (1) “I have never, ever, thought of you as crazy.”  (2) “You have the heart of a poet, the vocabulary of an english professor and the ability to unselfconsciously talk like a whore.”  (3)  “Nice ink.”  (4)  “You’re much smarter than Dad’s new girlfriend.”  (5) “Wow, you don’t have a degree?  Really?  Because I thought you had a bachelor’s.”

Sometimes it’s not about making lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes it’s about saying “fuck the lemons…I don’t like lemonade. I do like orange juice, though, so lets go find some of that instead.”

And yeah, I’m crazy…but it’s really nice that he doesn’t think so.


Still Frowning March 30, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 7:50 pm

Well, it’s been 5 days now since I dropped off the laptop at Best Buy. I called yesterday to check the status and it had been received at the service center but nothing had been done.  They told me to call back in a week so I guess I’ll call tomorrow or Thursday.  I’m not anxious or anything, though.

The funny thing is that I never realize how attached to my laptop I am until I don’t have it. It’s not like I go through with withdrawal or anything.  But I do miss it.  For example, while watching Rachel Maddow last night she mentioned something I wanted more information on.  I started to grab the laptop to google it, but, alas, no laptop.  Now I can’t even remember what it is was that I was so interested in.

On the upside, though, it’s harder for me to spend money without it. I can’t just cruise ebay looking for something cool to buy.  And I hate actual stores, so I don’t spend much money in those, which is a good thing.

Oh well, life will go on and eventually I’ll have my laptop back, for better or for worse.

Oh jeez, I just realized I’m MARRIED to my laptop!


I’m Wearing a Big ‘Ole Frowny Face March 26, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 4:21 pm

Well, I think that the laptop is going to be down for a few weeks again.  The spacebar fell off last night, one of the mouse-button thingies is stuck and sometimes I have to hit the on-off button several times before it stays on. I talked to them at Best Buy black tie service last night and I think they’re going to try to junk it and just give me a new one since they’ve already spent 10x the purchase price fixing it (2 new motherboards).

Anyway, Peter says he’ll share his desktop with me until I either get this one back, fixed again, or a new one.

Peace out, all…I’ll try to keep up even without my own computer.