The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

Flashbacks December 15, 2008

Filed under: Joshi — matildebonaparte @ 6:39 pm
Tags: , , , ,

This morning at work, things were going well. I was zipping through mail, talking to clients, arranging for new clients to be signed up.  And then “it” arrived.  It looked harmless enough.  A forwarded email from a coworker.  We all get them, right?  Funny jokes, stories, whatnot.

I opened  the email and began to read.   After the first line my brain was screaming, “No, Sus, don’t read this…stop…” but I couldn’t.  I kept reading.

It was a hoax email, allegedly from Mother Against Drunk Driver (MADD).  An excellent organization and one that I support.  However, in this email there was a detailed description of a young girl dying in the middle the street, alone, while she silenty talked to the Mom who wasn’t there.

It took less than a second, less than a nano-second.  I could suddenly see it all again, even though I’ve never seen it even once.  Joshua, laying half in, half out of the car.  His body broken by the many impacts.  His spirit gone from this world, gone from me.

To this day I feel incredibly guilt that he died, alone, on the side of an interstate highway.  I have nightmares where I hear him calling for me.  I have nightmares where I see the accident on an endless loop in my head.  And I have days like today when something triggers me and I see him, laying there, but not there.

Currenly I’m sedated so that I can semi-function as opposed to laying in bed sobbing for the next 3 days.  I miss my child so much.

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