The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

My Children Are My Reason for Living…Literally February 4, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 2:48 am

I went today and saw the specialist.  I’m not sure but I think that anytime you leave a doctor’s office crying, no, sobbing, and feeling emotionally and pyschologically battered its probably a bad thing.

The upshot was…I’m fat because I want to be and the hair loss/growth thing is my fault too, because I’m fat.

This after spending about 30 seconds with me.  Didn’t ask me about my eating habits.  Didn’t ask me which diets I’ve tried.  Didn’t ask me shit.  Just looked at what the nurse wrote down and made his pronouncements.

There have been several times in my life when, in looking back, I’ve realized I was suicidal.  Today was the first time I realized it as it was actually happening.  I tried to so hard to explain what has happened to me over the last 25 years or so.  Not just the physical stuff, but the emotional stuff.  The slow withdraw from humankind.  The pushing away of family and friends.  The depression.  The occasional mania.  The overwhelming sadness.  The slow ebbing away of what little self-esteem or strength I had left.

He didn’t care.  He had made up his mind before he even sat down with me.  5’3.  240 pounds.  Fat.  Lazy.  Spoiled.  Wants a quick fix.

His first words were “I don’t really believe in gastric bypass or lap bands.”!!  I hadn’t even mentioned it, and don’t want either surgery, except as an absolute last resort.

Bastard.

I can think of two other times my children have saved my life.

#1:  I stayed way too long in a marriage that I knew was bad for me. Because I loved him.  But when I started to feel that my children were being threatened I left. Even then I believed that I would eventually die at his hand.  He died before me, though.

#2:   After Joshi died in 2006 I  gladly would have taken my own life.  The pain was too great.  No one should ever have to bear that kind of pain.  Had it not been for Peter & Julie I would have been buried right next to him, probably just a few days after his funeral.

I hope that my children never know how often they’ve saved my life.  I am certainly glad they’re around to do so, though.

And if you’re reading this and you’re a doctor…choose your words carefully tomorrow and every day.  You never know just how desperate someone might be for any glimmer of hope.

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One Response to “My Children Are My Reason for Living…Literally”

  1. ajlouny Says:

    Not to give your Doctor any excuses, but he probably gets so many people that do ask him for the gastric bypass surgery. Jumping the gun. As far as children, I agree. They are one of the strongest reasons to live and take care of yourself for them.


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