I’m a little bit depressed tonight. I feel a bit lost, emotionally, pyschologically. I’m here with my family and it doesn’t seem to be helping much at the moment. I don’t think they fully understand how desperate I feel at the moment.
I watched my father taking care his father last night. What I realized is that my dad would have been a great dad. Now, I know that sounds odd to those of you who don’t know my history. The thing is, I wasn’t raised by my dad. He and my Mom were divorced when I was very young, way back when divorce was still a bad thing, and my mom did an excellent job of cutting him out of mine and my brother’s lives. I don’t say that out of any bitterness toward my mom. I love her very much. I’m just stating a fact, as ugly as it is.
My grandmother is in the hospital so I went up and sat with her for several hours today. She napped a lot so I read a lot. And watched horrible Saturday daytime tv. I was so pleased when she allowed me to help her go to the bathroom instead of calling a nurse. I actually felt like family.
Yet now here I sit, depressed, lonely, unsure of what is going to happen next for me. Job, home, love life. Its all a mess. I don’t even know where to start in fixing it. Its not a problem that I’m going to fix tonight, though. I guess I might as well not worry about it.