The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

It’s Weird October 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 5:15 pm

Things are weird right now.  I’m unemployed.  I’m stressed about jobs, money, health insurance, my health.  I have always have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and to be easily hurt.  I suspect that’s even more true now.

I go back to a post I wrote a long time ago in which I declared myself a complete contradiction and I think that remains true today.  I want things that scare me to death and so I hide from them.  I hate to spend money and yet I never seem to have any.  I’m open about the most shocking parts of my personality and very very protective of the less shocking.  You can ask almost anyone who thinks that they know if I’m shy and they’ll laugh.  Those who really know me will tell you that my shyness is almost pathologic.

I’ve done the therapy thing.  I ran into the same brick wall I do when trying to get to know people.  Reveal the shocking, hide the parts that really need work.  I do the medication thing on a daily basis for anxiety, bipolar disoder, migraines, etc.

I wish I could learn to do it differently.  Iwish I could BE different.  I try.  I fail.  I accept it.  And then something triggers me and I start the process of trying and failing and accepting all over again.

To those of you who love me and attempt to understand me, thank you.  I love you with all my heart.

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One Response to “It’s Weird”

  1. george Says:

    Sounds like you are in a really difficult and painful place at the moment.
    I don’t have any answers, but maybe it isn’t about answers. Maybe you are your own answer. You are here in the world. You made it! After all those millions of years of natural selection: of species, sub-species, trial and error, dead ends, YOU, matilde bonaparte, are HERE.

    You passed the audition – you got a part in the drama.

    You may wish you’d gotten a different part but at least you’re on stage. AND YOU HAVE A PART TO PLAY.

    Shirley McLane wrote a book called ‘It’s All In The Playing’

    I think I understand what she means.

    You may have more to contribute to the drama than you think.


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