Things are weird right now. I’m unemployed. I’m stressed about jobs, money, health insurance, my health. I have always have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and to be easily hurt. I suspect that’s even more true now.
I go back to a post I wrote a long time ago in which I declared myself a complete contradiction and I think that remains true today. I want things that scare me to death and so I hide from them. I hate to spend money and yet I never seem to have any. I’m open about the most shocking parts of my personality and very very protective of the less shocking. You can ask almost anyone who thinks that they know if I’m shy and they’ll laugh. Those who really know me will tell you that my shyness is almost pathologic.
I’ve done the therapy thing. I ran into the same brick wall I do when trying to get to know people. Reveal the shocking, hide the parts that really need work. I do the medication thing on a daily basis for anxiety, bipolar disoder, migraines, etc.
I wish I could learn to do it differently. Iwish I could BE different. I try. I fail. I accept it. And then something triggers me and I start the process of trying and failing and accepting all over again.
To those of you who love me and attempt to understand me, thank you. I love you with all my heart.