Haven’t had one in a while but tonight is a really bad one. Depessed, hopeless, crying uncontrollably. I have all the arguments in my head. I’m a failure. This illness has destroyed my life, my relationships, my happiness, my financial stability, my emotional stability…I’m completely ruled by this goddamned mother-fucking illness and I just don’t think I can stand anymore.
What am I upset about tonight? Let’s see? (1) I can’t seem to get my dog housetrained. Three days in K.G. and she didn’t crap in the house even once. I come back to the apartment, and at least half a dozen time within a 5 hour period she craps. In the living room, in the kitchen, in my bedroom. I take her for walks and we walk and walk and walk and she doesn’t do a damn thing, barely even pees. We come in, I go get a soda, I come back to the living room and she’s crapped in 3 different spots. AND then, to top it all off, I wind up vomitting in the trash can trying to clean it off. (2) I don’t have a job which means I don’t have any money which means I can’t buy groceries or pay my own bills or even think about christmas shopping. And I know that on that last one people are going to say not to worry about it, that there will be other christmases, but you know what? That’s not the point. They’d be upset and depressed and worried, too, if they couldn’t buy christmas presents for the people that they love. And to make matters worse, they’ll buy me presents and make me feel even worse. I hate it when people give me presents and they know I can’t give them one. It’s like they’re saying, “here, look, we’re so much better and smarter than you because we can afford to give you a present and you can’t afford to give us a goddamned thing.” (3) I miss my Joshie. And my Mom. And my grandmother. And my grandfather. I miss my brother and my sister and my othermother and my dad and my daughter. I miss everyone and I miss the relationships I might have been allowed to have with them if not for this damned illness. (4) I can’t find my cellphone and haven’t been able to for weeks. I’m paying for the damned thing and can’t find it. (5) I can’t quit crying.
So there you have it. The insane ramblings of a bipolar. It’s about 40 degrees and I’m running the AC in my room again because I’m upset and when I get upset I get overheated and when I get overheated I feel like a fat stupid freak.