The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

Just Another Tuesday February 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 3:05 am

It’s been a horrible day.  Bad news from the doctor. Peter is stressed and unhappy, which is making me stressed and unhappy.  More of that snow-stuff is falling from the sky which means more shoveling, more missed work, more snide comments from the boss….hopefully you’re getting the picture.

The bad news from the doctor includes confirmation of a broken tailbone, degenerative disc disesase, moderate spinal arthitis and moderate/severe arthritis in my left knee.  I’m being sent to see the orthopedist for my knee since it needs to be stabalized so I’ll quit falling.  I’m 46 years old and feel about 70.

Peter is stressed and unhappy because he doesn’t have a job yet and no real way of getting one.  He was going to talk to his grandparents about whether they’d help him to get his license back while they were here this weekend but now they’re not coming because it’s actually warmer in Massachusetts than it is here.  So he called and talked to his Nana and she told him to find out all the information for her and then they’d talk about it. I think it’s a promising sign and I was hoping that it would cheer him up and make him feel better but it doesn’t seem to have.  I’m worried about him and for him and I’m feeling completely helpless and useless because I just can’t afford to help him.

He’s also worried about being sent to jail for back child support, which has been piling up since he’s been unemployed.  We’ve been trying to send them something every week or so but haven’t in the last few weeks.  I get paid again on Monday so I think we’ll have to find some way to send them a bit then. 

And then there’s the snow.  Don’t get me wrong. I love snow.  Any other winter and I’d be over the moon to have this much snow.  But with everything else going on right now it’s just too much.  We’re snow-bound almost every weekend, which it makes doubly hard for Peter to go look for a job since he needs me to drive him around (hence his request for his Nana & Poppop to help him get his license back).  I can’t get any errands run, like getting a broken taillight fixed, or getting the car inspected or looking for my own part-time second job.

I know that life isn’t supposed to be easy. I k now all the cliches about treasuring that which we work hard for. I even agree to some extent.  But sometimes it’s just all too much.  Sometimes it gets piled on so hard and so heavy that you just don’t  know what to do anymore, you don’t feel able to breathe.

I’ve decided that in my next lifetime I want to come back as a plain old mountain rock. Nothing special, nothing fancy. I want to just sit on a mountain and watch the sun set every night.  No worries, no cares, no stress, no arthritis.  Just me, old man mountain and the sun.  Maybe a scrub pine.


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