The BiPolar Express

A Glimpse Through the Looking Glass

Waiting February 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — matildebonaparte @ 12:30 pm

It’s been such a long time since I had a job that made me sick to my stomach each morning.  I swore to myself then that I would never allow myself to be in that position again and yet here I am again.  I cry almost every night on the way home.  I’ve never felt more incompetent or stupid in my life.  I borderline hate him, which is sad because I think he’s a really nice guy overall.  He just has no concept how playing well with others.

I’m looking and looking hard for something new.  At this point it doesn’t even have to be in the legal field. It just has to apy $40,000/year and have paid health benefits.  Health insurance alone is costing me $300/month and I can’t afford that on the paycut I took to take the job, which is my own fault.  I won’t blame for him everything.

I’ve been trying to figure out how I wound up where I’m at right now.  46 years old, no home of my own, a job I hate and that doesn’t come close to paying me what I’m worth, still in need of financial assistance from my parents, overweight, out of shape, unhappy.  I could go on but hopefully you’re getting the picture.

I have all the right excuses.  Chaotic home life as a child/teenager, married young, three babies before I was 21, chaotic marriage, chaotic divorce.  Bipolar disorder is a big one and the only one I had no hand in choosing.  I suppose it could be argued that I had no choice in the chaotic childhood either, and that is probably true, too.

I worry so much for Peter because I see so much of me in him.  I keep telling him that I do not want him to be 40 years old, miserable and trying to figure out how he got to where he was.  I’ve been urging him to VCU, not only for classes, but also to live in the dorm.  He and I both need to break this mutual dependence thing we have going on.

I’ll find another job, he’ll find another job, he’ll make a decision about college, life will go on.  For now, though, I have to push my nausea aside and get ready to go to work at a place I hate with a man whom I dislike.

I’ll just have to solve my problems, and the world’s, tomorrow.

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