Last night I fell asleep thinking about love. Like most women I’ve been in love several times. The first time was when I was about 8 or 9. His name was Doug and we lived in the same apartment complex in Blacksburg, VA. He held hands and whispered and when I learned I’d be moving to Okinawa we sat near a little stream where all us kids liked to search for tadpoles and frogs and had a very serious talk about waiting for each other and getting married. Yes, at 8. Then, after I got to Okinawa and Doug was but a distant memory I started going to dances on-base every Saturday night. Of course, they were heavily chaperoned, but young love will out, I fell in love with a young man named Timmy. He was even brave enough to call my house sometimes. I loved those dances where we could pretend to be grown up, dancing the cool disco dances and swaying under the disco ball to the slow dances. I loved them until he broke up with me at one. I never went to another one. Then on Midway I fell in love with someone completely inappropriate for the first time. I say the first time because it seemed to become a habit after that. I like to think that this person loved me, too, but if he did he never said so in words. Of course, I didn’t either. And it may have been a one-sided love. I’ll never know. But it’s nice to reflect on and remember. After we left Midway we moved to Port Hueneme (sp?) and I fell in love with an undocumented alien named Jaime. (How inappropriate is THAT??) My mother and stepfather were, of course, thrilled. Then we moved to San Diego I managed to not fall in love with anyone, but I did, as a high school freshman, manage to date a college sophomore. And then I we moved to Mississippi and I met the man that I would marry. I know that there are people out there who don’t believe I ever loved him. That is their right. I know, however, that I loved him with all my heart. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didn’t. At the very least he believed he loved me. We had three beautiful children together before divorcing after 17 years. Is that a failed marriage? I don’t know. I remember that when the actress who played Cagney on “Cagney & Lacey” (I can’t remember her name right now) divorced her husband of 20-some years she said she refused to define her marriage as a failure just because they were getting divorced. I kind of feel that same way. I actually believe that my divorce was a bigger failure because it got so nasty. I don’t know whether I’ll ever fall in love again. I hope so. I like being in love. I like taking care of someone I care for and who cares back. I like making supper and doing laundry and whatnot for someone I love. I don’t like doing it when I live alone, but who does? Love really does make the world go ’round, I think. Think how much better a place the world would be if we could all manage to love each other. Ahhhhh, nirvanna. I have the most perfect example of love in my life, my Grandma and Grandpa North. They were married for what seemed like forever (of course, for me it was forever since they were obviously married when I was born!) and even as he got sicker and she got weaker they lived together, alone in their home, taking care of each other. And then to continue the love, my Uncle Dale moved in with them to help my grandma take care of my grandpa when she couldn’t do it alone anymore. And then, after my grandpa passed away my othermother put in her retirement papers because she and my dad thought that they should take care of Grandma and let Uncle Dale go home. My precious grandmother died just about a month after my grandpa. They loved each other so much that they just couldn’t stand being apart. And my Dad and my Uncle and my Othermother and my Auntie Ruth loved them and each other so much that they helped to care for them at the end so that the Gs could stay in their own home with each other. I’ve always considered myself very lucky in the family department. I’m thankful for each and every one of my relatives, near and far. I want to thank you all for loving me and for helping become the person I am today. I promise that I love you enough that I’ll keep right on trying to be a better person.
Another Update That Was Too Long for Facebook March 24, 2010
I’m just about sick of the healthcare debate. Seriously. People do realize that we’re already being “forced” to buy government healthcare when they look at their paystubs, right? We finance medicaid and medicare through payroll taxes. Should we repeal those services? And how about when all of you reach retirement age? I’m assuming you won’t be applying for your social security benefits or medicare, right? Because you would NEVER accept something that government FORCED you to buy into, right?
Fantasies March 23, 2010
Fantasies. We all have them, right? I wonder if I have more than other people. I’ve written before about what has often been described by teachers and parents as my “over-active” imagination. I admit that I do have a lot of fantasies, but I think that the only difference between me and everyone else is that I’m willing to talk about mine. I want my prince charming to come along and marry me and take me on european vacations and tell me that I can spend as much money as I want to at the grocery store. I want to buy a retirement cottage in Llandudno, Wales and spend half of my year there every year. I want to buy a farm and have all the standard farm animals…horses, sheep, goats, chickens. No pigs, though. Rabbits. I did promise the granchildren rabbits if I ever lived anywhere that we could have them. I want to be independently wealthy. I want to not have bipolar disorder. I want my daughter to be normal and well. I want Joshua to come back to me. I want to figure his life out and start moving forward with it. I want to spend more time with my grandchildren, all of them. I want to feel closer to my siblings and their children. I want to talk to my mom again. I want to fall in love. I want to have sex every single day for the rest of my life. I want to live somewhere where I can take in abused animals of all kinds and give them lots of love and a decent life. I want to be able to pay my monthly bills without depending on my parents. I was to get my docterate in elizabethian history. I want to live for a while as a voluntary slave just so I can see if I can do it. I want to go to China, Prague, Russia, Ireland, Scotland. I want to go back to Okinawa and Midway Island. I want to live to be 100. I want to lose 100 pounds. I want arms like Michelle Obama’s. I want the republicans to leave the newly signed healthcare reform plan alone. I want americans to wake up and realize the dangerous path we’re on. I want people to realize that social reform programs are not as big or scary as they think they are. I want to spend the summer cooking on my grill and eating on my picnic table and reading a book in a lounge chair on the back deck. I want to have a best friend. I want to be able to eat breakfast out every Sunday morning with my parents and I pay for it. I want my parents to live forever. I want to go to every single birthday party, anniversary party, any kind of party to celebrate anything and everything with my family and friends. I want to read every book every published. I want to learn a new word every day. I want to write a great novel and win the Nobel for it. I want to be published in every language around the world. I want to find a way to bring peace to the entire world. I want to buy two love birds and name them Ricky and Lucy. I want a house that cleans itself. I want a personal chef and a personal trainer who live with me and make me behave. I want someone, anyone, to make me behave. I want to roll over at night and cuddle up to someone other than one of my dogs (not that I don’t love them dearly). I want my dogs to live forever, or at least longer than I do. I want to go to the homeplace in West Virginia again and pretend that I’m 12 again and there with my grandparents. I want to buy real furniture of my very own. I want three more bookcases so that I can display all of my books. I want to plant some shrubs this spring. If I ever get married again I want to carry yellow roses and lilacs. I want to have another baby. I want a puppy. I know that there is so much more I want but I can’t think of anything else. Fantasies are fun, though, and I haven’t even started on the sexual ones! Maybe I’ll write about those another day. Right now what I want is some cake batter ice cream and that is a fantasy that I can actually make happen tonight. Thank god for Food Lion!
I Just Don’t Understand March 22, 2010
You know, the more I think about it the more upset I get. I can’t even put it into words at this point. To disagree is one thing but to advocate the murder of someone you disagree with is morally reprehensible. I cannot believe that there are people out there defending what this person said. It’s not about health care or free speech or civil rights. It’s about civility and being human and being able to look outside your own little world and see where your words and/or actions might hurt someone else. He has a wife, children, brothers, sisters, cousins, just like the rest of us. How would any us like to wake up to someone publically advocating the murder of our loved ones? I really just don’t get what is going on with the right these days. I really don’t.
I’ve started using a new website for brain dumping. Yes, you guessed it, www.750words.com. I’m really liking it. Some of the daily writings there will be appropriate for this site and I’ll transfer them when they are (“Pets” is an example). Some of them won’t be appropriate for publication and they’ll stay private, over there. It’s not a blogging site, it’s a daily pages site. Wonderful idea, really. I’ve only been using it for 4 days but really loving it thusfar. I suggest you head over and take a gander if you enjoying writing and/or journaling.
I have two dogs. Bennie is a 4 year old cocker spaniel. Stella is a 1 year old miniature dachshund. I’ve had pets most of my life. Primarily dogs and cats, but over years some fish, hamsters and once, even a turtle. I can’t imagine a life without animals to love and care for. When I was married my husband didn’t believe in allowing us to have pets in the house. In this way we had many pets, but we also lost many of them. I believe to this day that he had more than a hand in some of the disappearances. I remember one particular cat we had named Ruffles. He found her one day killing a rabbit. Not pleasant, I know, but it’s what country cats do. Several days later she “disappeared.” He was livid at what she had done and I had to physically stop him from beating her in the head with a shovel. I just find it odd that she then took off in the middle night. My very first dog was Blackie, a large shepherd/collie mix. I have no actual memory of her, but a picture of me with me her and stories from family members of my riding her like a horse when I was very little. Then came Fifi, who I do remember. An appricot french poodle. I’m pretty sure that my mother named her. At that same time my grandparents had a black poodle named Mimi and my auntie Sue had a teacup white poodle named Suki. When I moved with my mom to Okinawa we left Fifi with the Gs and she had a very long and happy life with her “sisters.” It’s funny that I really don’t remember the cats I had as a child by name. I really only remember one and it was the one we left with my mother’s parents when we moved to Okinawa. My grandfather fell absolutely stupid in love with that cat from what I understand. The turtles where something that my new stepfather bought my brother and I. We decided to take them with us to meet his family and we put them up in the back window for the trip. Of course, the heat up there killed them. I haven’t owned a turtle since. I felt so incredibly guilty and like a murderer. Then, we get to his parents’ house and his mother treats Dewite and I like trash. The ultimate bitch. She actually didn’t accept Carolyn, her own son’s daughter, as her granddaughter until after Carolyn got married. Absolutely the ulimate bitch. I dislike her to this day. I got Benny a few months after Joshi died. I felt so lonely and alone in the apartment. Peter was still living with Ashley in Fredericksburg at the time. Amanda didn’t really want me to be a part of her life or the kids’. I was going every weekend to northern virginia to stay with my dad, but during the week I was miserable and more than a little suicidal. I decided to get a puppy and I’m not very good at patience so I got him almost immediately after deciding to do so. I thought I would get a female dog because all but one of my dogs have been female but when I went to the breeders there he was, sitting at the back of the kennel while all the other puppies jumped and bounced. I wanted calm and there he was. I was prepared to make a deposit on him and then go out the following payday and pay the balance. The breeder kindly allowed me to write a post-dated check and take him home with me that same day. I had intended to name him something else (I can’t remember what now) but wound up calling him Benny on the way home. I’m not sure why I did that, but when I was pregnant with Peter it was my intent to name him Benjamin James Bourgeois, but my stupid sister-in-law had her baby first and named HIM Benjamin so I couldn’t very well use the name. I suppose that’s why I named him Benny. Stella was a different story. I just woke up one day and decided I was ready for a 2nd dog and I knew I wanted a smaller lap dog. I had a miniature dachshund name Akahi when I was a teenager and I loved that dog so very much. We got him while living on Midway Island. Bought him from a breeder on Hawaii. We weren’t allowed to have cats on Midway because it was a bird sanctuary because of the gooney birds and the lease turns. So, I knew I wanted a miniature dachshund. I wanted a smooth red, like Akahi, but when I saw Stella’s face, I fell absolutely in love. She a long hair, primarily chocolate but some red down her back and around her eyes. Her lips are red as well so it gives her a very odd look. She’s a love-bug though and I’m glad I found her. I love both of my dogs very very much. I think I’d be absolutely lost without them.
Waiting February 11, 2010
It’s been such a long time since I had a job that made me sick to my stomach each morning. I swore to myself then that I would never allow myself to be in that position again and yet here I am again. I cry almost every night on the way home. I’ve never felt more incompetent or stupid in my life. I borderline hate him, which is sad because I think he’s a really nice guy overall. He just has no concept how playing well with others.
I’m looking and looking hard for something new. At this point it doesn’t even have to be in the legal field. It just has to apy $40,000/year and have paid health benefits. Health insurance alone is costing me $300/month and I can’t afford that on the paycut I took to take the job, which is my own fault. I won’t blame for him everything.
I’ve been trying to figure out how I wound up where I’m at right now. 46 years old, no home of my own, a job I hate and that doesn’t come close to paying me what I’m worth, still in need of financial assistance from my parents, overweight, out of shape, unhappy. I could go on but hopefully you’re getting the picture.
I have all the right excuses. Chaotic home life as a child/teenager, married young, three babies before I was 21, chaotic marriage, chaotic divorce. Bipolar disorder is a big one and the only one I had no hand in choosing. I suppose it could be argued that I had no choice in the chaotic childhood either, and that is probably true, too.
I worry so much for Peter because I see so much of me in him. I keep telling him that I do not want him to be 40 years old, miserable and trying to figure out how he got to where he was. I’ve been urging him to VCU, not only for classes, but also to live in the dorm. He and I both need to break this mutual dependence thing we have going on.
I’ll find another job, he’ll find another job, he’ll make a decision about college, life will go on. For now, though, I have to push my nausea aside and get ready to go to work at a place I hate with a man whom I dislike.
I’ll just have to solve my problems, and the world’s, tomorrow.